Good Choice

Good Choice




I had no idea whats kept you here
The brain locked in overdrive
While the digits
distracted
the mind still races for a clue     why
~X5

the basis
was fear
newness of
dew
bears
pungent love

lithe
sleek bone that fits in hand



my soul evil
sweet thru
kind~cautious~kind~cautious~love


walking bliss
bliss wiht piss
piss

oh to be
I want to be
Tie me up set me free

pout
really  yea
pout
it reminds me
you
are     a boy~


lessons 

learned

no

excuse







bring
bend
whimper
moan
brilliance

gayly
he rides
afoot
magnificent seat
scally ho


Damn
the lock
no knock
first
second
third /
cock

I
see
you
see
me
the mirror is your eye




I love you the most when I
don’t think of you.

Renewed calls for apology and resignation of Cardinal Francis George (ChicagoPride.com : Chicago, IL News)

Renewed calls for apology and resignation of Cardinal Francis George (ChicagoPride.com : Chicago, IL News)

It seems the Catholic church fears more public denunciation of their beliefs.

The stronghold of the Catholic Church is slipping a bit into a what looks, feels and sounds like a schoolyard bully who's afraid of his comeupance.

The Vatican is simply afraid of loosing its control of the playground and is becoming desperate to keep their control over the lot.

I say, keep pushing, keep speaking loudly until we're heard, continue to live our beliefs and stay dedicated to your truth!

Ironically, Our Lady of Mount Carmel was the first church I'd attended in which gay men and women worshiped openly.

It was Easter Vigil, 1993. A beautiful high mass, the first Id ever attended. The atmosphere was beautiful and more than Id expected in every way.

As I sat and took it all in, I saw gay men find seats at various spots around us. Some dressed to go out clubbing after mass, some a bit more reverent in their appearance and dress.

I was shocked at how many there were and the acceptance that the other parishioners afforded them (us).

To be compared to the KKK on one hand are "fighting words" as my dad used to say. Its an organization thats based on fear and ignorance blah blah.

On the other hand, to be "feared" by the catholic church as organized group of strong spirit and beliefs says something about where we are as humans.

This pot has been simmering for some time. And the tension is obviously being felt by the Catholics, the GOP and others of their ilk.

Tis the gift......

Christmas is always a conundrum for me. Its billed as a special, romantic, joyous time of year.
The build up is tremendous and the follow through often pales in comparison.
Family drama, angst, expectations, resentments and bitterness all come to a head bout this time of year. The regrets of the year past blend in with those in history.
The holiday season supposedly makes up for the rest of the year and holidays past.
“This one is gunna be the best ever” or “Next year it’ll....”
Never has and ya know, they never will.
The songs of Christmas’ past attempt to help us remember the good memories.
For many, there aren’t many good memories to draw from.

Holiday gifts are another build up and expectation. Gifts represent the apologies and sentiments one is unable to express in words or actions through the year.

This year I decided to forgo the holiday gift list in favour of occasional gifts through the year as I think of someone or see something one would enjoy or appreciate, letting them know I think of them.  making a list and stressing to fulfill it seemed counter to what I wanted the season to be for me.

The importance of gifts was great as I grew up. Mother would always make an announcement that everyone got the same dollar amount in gifts and sometimes even tucked 5$ or 10$ into an envelope to keep it even. She made sure each gift was narrated as it was opened with the story of why she got the gift, how much it took for her to obtain the gift and so on. This would drag on an on, finally resulting in a guilt that surpassed the enjoyment.

Growing up Id look at catalogs, dreaming of giving my parents something really big, shiny, new and expensive to let them know how much they meant to me.
It was inevitable that Id be found looking at beautiful catalogs and marking pages of what i could “get” to express my feelings. My parents would accuse/tease me of having too big of dreams and a champagne taste with no budget. At age 5, 6, 8, 10 teased or ridiculed the situation,
Id see them driving new vehicles, wearing expensive clothing, eating in restaurants often and going on long weekend trips. The message was simply confusing.

It was always expected that at least one gift would bring great emotion. It was usually the last gift of the exchange and the build up would be palpable. This would be accompanied by phrases like, “I hope its the right one, I wasn’t sure and I went to 4 places to make sure”, “you didn’t get much for your birthday this year so...” or “ I know you wouldn’t want what I was going to do so I got this because I knew you’d like it”.
This blended throughout the year, every act of kindness was that of payment and or expectation.
Affection and sentiment could not be express verbally or in simple acts throughout the year.
There was always a careful maneuvering involved. making sure the timing and tone was right to achieve maximum effect.

After all was done and the gifts were opened, batteries installed, barking due to noise had died down and the thrill of it all had quelled, came the discussion of each gift and why someone may have given it and not something else or how much the person may have spent and so on.
This became a time of critique and an editorial of their love and or friendship.

Now the kicker was when a few days or weeks after the holiday Id hear “You had a good Christmas now go clean the barn” or “fun time is over..” There was always a payback insinuated.


It came to me over time that the gifts I gave would most likely not meet neither my expectations or the recipients.
This carried into what I had to offer in my relationships, especially the ones that meant the most to me. For I felt a lack of quantity or quality to give them to show how much I cared and how important they were to me. My gift wasn’t enough. They were most always accompanied with apology and doubt. Instinctively I gave various gifts in attempt to satisfy, to compensate and to prove worthiness to receive the gifts being given to me.

Definition of Gift

Gift

Anything given; anything voluntarily transferred by one person to another without compensation; a present; an offering.

---

The act, right, or power of giving or bestowing; as, the office is in the gift of the President.

---

Some quality or endowment given to man by God; a preeminent and special talent or aptitude; power; faculty; as, the gift of wit; a gift for speaking.

---

A voluntary transfer of real or personal property, without any consideration. It can be perfected only by deed, or in case of personal property, by an actual delivery of possession.

---

To endow with some power or faculty.

Prairie Roller

I've taken a quick glance through the debris, maneuvering carefully as not to step on an upstanding nail or nick my leg on corrugated sheet metal.  I'm not looking for anything specific, nothing of importance remains. The foundation is strewn with old bottles that had been tucked away for a cold rainy day, when a nip would hit the spot. No, Im just surveying to make sure everything is here. There are a few souvenirs that weren't disturbed from organization. Oblivious that the walls once protecting them, had been shattered by air pressure and carried away. Theres a raw and eerie anxiousness engulfing the site. After seeing a few of these, I calmly shake my head in relief.
This storm had great impact, a booming, disorienting mass of billowing soot colored cloud. It could be seen coming and building for a long while.
I'd been seduced by a few big, beautiful prairie rollers in my time, first one I can remember I was 10. I thought Id seen it all at that advanced age. This one, "jeeezuss", as I rub my head, this was the worst ever.

Its customary to gather as one surveys the damage, this time Ive decided, I'll gather nothing.
Its amazing what one thinks is necessary to salvage and polish up after a storm, though encumbered, its carried on to the next residence and stored, as it may be useful later. Ultimately these items obtained from estate sales and childhood travels serve as reminders of ones survival, resilience and strength.
As if ones reflection isn't proof enough.

As one gathers and carries, rollkur sets in.

The Siberian Shamanism Origins of Santa Claus: Reindeer, Pine Trees, and.. Mushrooms? | The Shaman's Well

The Siberian Shamanism Origins of Santa Claus: Reindeer, Pine Trees, and.. Mushrooms? | The Shaman's Well

The principle of choice.

When one bases his life on principle, 99% of his decisions are already made.

Its your choice

I choose to get out of bed every morning. When I wake I lay for what could be 30seconds to 5 minutes.
It’s a time of when I enjoy the quiet and plan my day, express gratitude, stretch and then say “Lets go Wolfe”.

No, this isn’t a rambling of the details of my mornings. Its about making the decision to get out of bed, the decision of whether to start your day positive and willing to take an adventurous ride, or allow a dim mood and a lathargic drag through the day.
We make decisions throughout the day, from what to eat and when to what paper towel brand we want whilst shopping. I sometimes put more thought into what brand or feature to consider than how I shall spend my day. It’s a matter of awareness and discernment.
This is a habit worth considering, consciously decide what your day will encompass and how it will feel. An outing, a project in the garage or a pleasant productive day in the office, all can be determined by you. When you make a conscious decision on how you carry yourself and the tone you will project in that day, or any period of time, it becomes a habit.
This enables one to open themselves to more positive energy flow and in turn more positive energy output.
Have you ever been in a bad mood and someone says “cheer up” I know that makes me bristle.
But ya know, one can cheer up by focusing on something beautiful, fun, happy..etc..its putting yourself into a mind space just as easily (if not easier) than when you slipped into the funk.
Want the funk or do you want happiness? Its your choice.